Alyshae's Clarity

Alright so last night I took a shot in the dark and im’ed my dad, for those of you don’t know that is one relationship that has been strained for longer then I have been writing this blog. Was good to see such a wonderful reply:

“So is my child happy? are you comfortable with your self? you know thats all that realey counts e-mail some pics of you Aly so I can add them to family pics in my computer,e-mail or call anytime you are my child that will never change, you do have a family.Love Dad & Lynn”

It’s amazing how things will turn around in time, needless to say the big shocker was him calling me Aly, not many in my RL actually call me that so it was nice to “hear” it. I don’t know maybe I’m just being a girl but it damn sure brought tears to my eyes. I guess that’s what true family is all about. Letting things go and forgiving one another, its  a shame that carry on throughout other situations. But all in all things have been getting better, I am learning to let go of SL in alot of aspects. Sad to think that I let something like rule my actions and thoughts. So for now I am treating it as it appears to be at first, just another game. The connections I have made with a few that seem to be standing true, I do and will continue to cherish. Anyway until next time….

Love and kisses

Aly

So it would seem that I have learned a valuable lesson in the past few days, or rather re-learned one that I had forgotten since coming to a small little virtual world called secondlife. I won’t go into all the gory details but what happened was enough to cause me to go seek some mental health help. I don’t know why I am continually amazed by how some people have nothing better to do than to stab you in the back once they gotten you to let your guard down. You can not imagine what a shock it was to think that I had two of the people that I felt were the closest friends I had in my virtual community standing behind me, ready to back me up at anytime, only to find out the true reason they were behind me was to shove the blades in to the hilt. Not the I find myself to be completely innocent of being a bitch in my own right at times. But to be accused of things I was not doing and having people that could have stood up and cleared my name and instead decided to throw me to the lions like some sacrificial lamb?!?!? I mean really wtf folks? I guess in the long run it is best to view some friendships as one would view buying anything and keep in mind the latin phrase of caveat emptor, for if not you may find yourself uttering another equally infamous phrase in latin “Et tu Brute?” Anyway enough clarity for one day. Till next we meet.

Love and kisses <3

Aly

Yeah I know nice title huh? What can I say the creative juices just aren’t flowing freely this morning. Well here it is a whole week since my baby left from her visit and a week before I receive a visit from my wonderful north of the border friend. I’m really hoping filming will go as planned but as I have learned long ago, surprises lurk around every corner. This past week I have started to feel very confused again as to my place in the world, exactly where and how do I fit in? More importantly do I fit in? I’m not sure if we are even ever supposed to understand our place. I just know that none of this is easy. I use to think that the title to one of my posts was so appropriate “Let the Emotional Roller Coaster Begin.” How wrong I was! IT doesn’t even begin to justify how things have changed for me. I cry for no reason, and sometimes for hours. Not saying for a minute that I would change anything but for the love of that is precious and dear…Things should at least make sense at times.Some days I wake up ready to face the world and some days I just want to sound retreat and run and hide. Yet all I get when I try to discuss this is , your being hormonal, it’ll pass, or your body and mind are going through puberty….Alright, alright I get all of that, but what is wrong with being wanting a set of arms wrapped around me, pulling me close and just saying “Baby, I know things are rough but we are going to make it through this”, is it too much to ask for? Maybe I ask or expect too much, I don’t know. I just wish nature wouldn’t have dropped the ball on my physical gender in the first damn place, this would all be so much simpler. Anyway till next time….

Love as Always,

Aly <3

What a day today was. Woke up thinking I had the day to meself to just lounge around and be a girl. I couldn’t have been more wrong. After Rushing through a shower and getting dressed I was reminded that I had to make a 2 hour trip to go pick up a friend who is staying with us. So here we go, couped up in the car and getting on each other’s nerves, par for course really. Anyway about half way there Fran asks if we can go to the casino if it won’t be out of our way. To me out of the way is going any further then i already have to go, especially on a day when I had planned on relaxing. Guess that is soooo not the case with her, so after picking up our human package, I decided to head back home. Good Lord you would  have thought I had just commited the worst sin in the world. I mean seriously she threw herself a little fit at which point i eluded that I think she may have a bit of a gambling problem…weeee Sin #2. So after driving 12 miles to the next exit, I turned the car around at we went to the casino. So now I’m stuck there for 2 1/2 hours. I’m tired, I’m hungry, my freeking boobs hurt and I still have a ton of paper work to fill out before orientation tomorrow. I mean really whats a girl to do?!?

I guess the upside of the day is I did finally get to eat, played with my cats, got my paperwork filled out and got to spend some time with good friends…..online that is.

A very dear friend of mine shared this with me tonight, to say the least I was shocked and yet somehow not surprised all at the same time:

Speaking to the conservative group Women Impacting the Nation, freshman Rep. Allen West (R-FL) suggested last week that progressive women have caused American men to become weak and submissive.

“We need you to come in and lock shields to strengthen up the men that will go into the fight for you,” he said. “To let these other women know, on the other side, these Planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women who have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness, to let them know that we are not going to have our men become subservient.

“That’s what we need you to do. Because if we don’t, then the debt will continue to grow.”

West added that the Judeo-Christian heritage of the United States was at stake.

“It really is a spiritual confrontation about the soul of these United States of America.”

Now I have to ask is this knuckle-dragging, sexist ape really believing the ignorant vile spew coming out of his mouth or his trying to make anyone with a working brain choke to death from laughing so hard? I mean honestly what sort of egotistical freak says this sort of crap….I’m just puzzled. Hell and I thought my gender dysphoria was confusing. Till next time….

Peace and Love,

Aly

So after getting home from work tonight I went through my usual routine of getting comfy and settled in for some time on Second Life. After all a girls needs her talk time with her sisters…and in the case of myself, my partner. The things i could tell you about her, my god she is wonderful. So many of my friends in the non-virtual world and a few in my little virtual world have told me that it is not very lilkely to make the transistion from SL to RL. We and a few close friends seem to be proving them wrong. I simply love this woman and all there is about her. Tonight she simply floored me though! She actually openly discussed us moving in together, be still my beating heart. I’m just so happy that I simply have no wordds to describe the feelings the rose up within me. Granted things are still a ways away but every little step forward make up the milestones in our life. Anyway it is late and I still have one more day of work left at my job before I move…I love you all and should be back and rolling soon enough, who knows maybe i will finally find a job with regular hours…God willing that is.

Peace and Love as always,

Aly <3

At last, at last I have had my appointment with my endo what an experience. I was asked so many questions, which surprised me…I actually thought that part would come from the therapist. At the end of the appointment though I finally received what I had been hoping for my prescription’s for my T-blockers and Estrogen. Really feels like another milestone is behind me now. Although I know the effects are going to take time to develop I am really looking forward to all of them. I must admit a certain sense of fear though, not enough to make me go back to how things were, just that this is all new territory for me….so to speak. I guess after having to hide from the world and myself it’s a bit scary pulling off all trappings of my life as it was, yanking myself out of my comfort zone and jumping feet first into a whole new life and way of thinking. Above all else though I guess I am still really excited. I have however learned that some people who claimed to be supportive of me and my descision were doing nothing more than just putting on a masquerade of their own. It really hurt at first to discover that these so-called “friends” were nothing more then a bunch of backstabbing individuals…oh well to each their own I guess at least I learned a valuable lesson. I must however remember that know it is so very important for me to start blogging on regular basis so that I can note all the changes that occur. Until next time….

Love Aly

Well I was finally able to get into the Doctor, omg talk about being nervous. Things went fine though, pretty standard actually ran some blood tests and talked about getting in to see the endo, more about that later. Funny how things progress, almost as if the timeline was set for me…I make a few steps forward and then things will settle for awhile and just about the time I feel like I can’t wait to move forward again another step comes along and I take another step or two. Wish work was like that, seems like everytime we get a few steos forward something comes up and knocks us back a bit. Oh well I guess that is to be expected from real life. Speaking of work I guess I better get off my butt and head that way.

Kisses and Love

Aly <3

Well this has all been a long time comingbut I feel with therapy having started a few short weeks ago that my journey has finally begun.  Although I still a have a very long way to go , I at least don’t feel stagnated anymore.  Therapy is different this time around , maybe because I am finally being honest with myself about why I am going. Obviously the gender issue is the brunt of the matter and it’s amazing to see what other issues have all come up because of it. So far we have been dealing with my anger issues. There are times I get so angry I think I could give Lewis Black a run for his money. Oddly enough it’s just little things that seem to set me off. My therapist has wanted me to keep track of every time I have a negative feelingtowards someone or something….along the lines of !@#$ this person is a !@#$ing idiot, and some of the nights I have had at work lately I get about 12 tick marks a night. Least home life has calmed a bit. I made myself a promise that once therapy started I would make more of an effort to blog faithfully, after all there wasn’t much sense in bloggingabout nothing. Oh…almost forgot….I did find an MD that is willingto work with me on getting my hormones, just have to see an endocrinologist first and I think my therapist may have to call to set up a screening..more on that as I find out. Anyway as always, I Love you all and hope that this grows more interesting as things begin to happen.

Thanks for reading,

Aly <3

Greetings to all of you who find your way here, either intentionally or accidentally. First off let me say this is my first attempt at blogging and I do hope to get better as time goes by, that being said let me explan the reason I am here.

As of this year I have decided, finally, to quit running and hiding from the truth of myself…that is my physical outward gender and finally accept what I have known all alongto be my true gender. This will be the written chronicle of my journey into womanhood. I hope that you who vist will come along for the ride and maybe help me discover some new insights or if you find yourself in your conflict, maybe a place that can help you understand what it is your feeling and how to come to terms with it. I owe a great deal of thanks to so many that have helped me to maintain my sanity from the time I admitted the truth of myself to myself…you know who are and I love you one and all. Anyway for now…..sit back, put on some relaxing music, grab a drink and let’s begin what can only be a beautiful , yet sometime emotional, journey….

Thank you